By Brian Briscoe, LPC, LMFT
Founder of PLACE, Parents Living After Child Estrangement
If you’ve landed on this page, chances are, you’re a parent trying to make sense of a fractured—or fully broken—relationship with your child. You may feel like someone flipped a switch, and the loving connection you once had is now gone.
You may be asking yourself:
- Why do they see me as the enemy?
- Why do they believe things about me that aren’t true?
- How did we get here?
One possible explanation is parental alienation. It’s a complex, painful, and often misunderstood dynamic—and it leaves deep emotional scars for both parents and children.
In this article, we’ll unpack what parental alienation is, how it shows up, and what you can do if you’re on the receiving end of it.
What Is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation happens when one parent (or another influential figure) intentionally or unconsciously turns a child against the other parent.
This is not just a disagreement. It’s not typical teen rebellion. It’s a pattern of behavior that actively damages the child’s relationship with the other parent—often through manipulation, guilt, lies, or triangulation.
The child may begin to reject one parent without legitimate cause, often expressing hatred or extreme anger, and parroting words or beliefs that don’t seem like their own.
Key elements of alienation:
- One parent disparages or undermines the other parent.
- The child is pressured to take sides.
- The alienated parent becomes viewed as “all bad.”
- The child feels they must reject that parent to stay loyal to the other.
It’s heartbreaking. It’s confusing. And it’s more common than many people realize.
Parental Alienation vs. Estrangement: What’s the Difference?
It’s important to make a distinction between estrangement and alienation, although they often overlap.
- Estrangement typically results from relationship breakdowns, miscommunication, trauma, or unresolved conflict. It may develop over time and may or may not involve outside interference.
- Parental alienation is driven by an external force—usually the other parent—who deliberately undermines the child’s view of you.
Think of it this way:
Estrangement says, “I’m pulling away because of how I feel.”
Alienation says, “I’m pulling away because someone else told me I should.”
Both are painful. But alienation adds an extra layer of betrayal and injustice.
What Might Parental Alienation Look Like?
If your child’s behavior seems unusually cold, scripted, or emotionally extreme, you may be dealing with alienation. Here are some common signs:
1. Sudden, Unexplained Rejection
Your child cuts you off or grows distant with no warning or clear reason.
2. Parroting the Other Parent’s Language
They use phrases or accusations that sound like they came straight from someone else.
3. Denial of Past Positive Experiences
Your child suddenly claims that your relationship was always bad, even when you know it wasn’t.
4. Lack of Guilt or Ambivalence
They express anger or hatred with no remorse or emotional conflict.
5. Unnatural Loyalty to the Other Parent
They may defend the other parent in ways that seem exaggerated or blind to their flaws.
If you’re seeing this kind of behavior, it’s not your imagination. And no—you’re not overreacting.
Why Does Parental Alienation Happen?
Alienation often stems from high-conflict separations, divorces, or custody battles. But it can also occur in intact families, especially when one parent seeks control or dominance in the child’s emotional world.
The alienating parent may be:
- Struggling with their own unresolved trauma or personality disorder
- Unable to separate their feelings from the child’s
- Using the child to punish the other parent
- Deeply insecure and afraid of losing the child’s loyalty
Alienation is not always intentional—but even unintentional alienation can have long-term psychological consequences for everyone involved.
The Impact of Parental Alienation on the Targeted Parent
Let’s be real: Being the alienated parent is emotionally devastating.
You may feel:
- Gaslighted and powerless
- Like you’ve been erased from your child’s life story
- Grieved, but not allowed to grieve
- Judged by others who don’t know the full story
The pain isn’t just emotional—it can be physiological, too. Alienation can lead to:
- Chronic stress and anxiety
- Depression
- PTSD symptoms
- Sleep issues and physical illness
That’s why trauma-informed therapy is essential for targeted parents. At PLACE, I use CBT, DBT, Narrative Therapy, and Somatic Therapy to help parents process the trauma and regain emotional regulation.
The Impact on the Child
Alienation doesn’t just harm you. It harms your child.
Children caught in alienation often:
- Feel pressure to choose sides
- Lose access to a loving parent
- Internalize guilt and anxiety
- Struggle with identity, trust, and future relationships
The emotional manipulation may not be visible now, but it often resurfaces in adulthood—sometimes leading to estrangement or emotional crises later on.
In many cases, adult children begin to reconnect the dots later in life—and realize they were manipulated. Reunions do happen, though they can be emotionally complex.
What Can You Do as a Targeted Parent?
While you may not be able to undo the alienation alone, you’re not powerless. There are things you can do:
1. Focus on Your Own Healing
You cannot show up for a child (now or in the future) if you are emotionally depleted. Prioritize therapy, support groups, and self-care. Healing doesn’t mean you’re giving up—it means you’re reclaiming yourself.
2. Avoid Retaliation
It’s tempting to fight fire with fire—but that often plays into the alienation narrative. Instead, practice calm, consistent behavior—even if the other parent does not.
3. Document, Don’t Debate
If you’re in a legal or co-parenting situation, keep a log of interactions. But don’t argue over text or try to “prove your side” through conflict. It rarely changes minds and often worsens alienation.
4. Stay Open (But Boundaried)
If your child ever reaches out, your response matters. Be open—but also grounded in healthy boundaries. Read more on boundaries.
Reconnection Is Possible—But Not Guaranteed
Some alienated children do reconnect—sometimes years later. Others may never return.
Either way, your worth is not defined by their decisions.
Your identity as a parent, and as a person, still matters.
At PLACE, we help parents rebuild their self-worth, rediscover their values, and find peace—even if reconciliation never comes. And if it does? You’ll be in a better, stronger place to welcome it.
Where to Get Support
If you’re navigating the grief and confusion of parental alienation, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure this out by yourself.
Explore:
- Private Counseling & Coaching
- Weekly Peer Support Groups
- My Book on Surviving Estrangement
- Contact Me Directly
Also see related articles:
- Therapy for Parents Cut Off by Children
- Coping With Child Estrangement
- When Your Adult Child Won’t Talk to You
- Healing After Child Estrangement
Final Thought: It’s Not Too Late to Heal
Whether you ever reunite with your child or not, your life is not over.
You can reclaim your story. You can experience peace again.
You can move forward—with clarity, strength, and hope.
Let’s walk this road together.
Reach out to PLACE when you’re ready.
