I’ve spent the last couple of weeks thinking about the pain we carry, and the strategies, both nuanced and blunt, that we utilize to do so. It started when I heard a random lyric in a song that I wasn’t otherwise paying much attention to:
“I’ll hold the pain.”
What do those four words mean? From an emotional standpoint, they seem to convey acceptance, resignation, bravery, sadness, determination, and much more.
But what about the practical meaning? If we estranged parents are holding the pain, does this manifest in daily life as masking our inner distress in the interest of politeness? One may feel like every atom of their being has been hollowed out and filled with distress. Does holding the pain mean doing so quietly, so as to prioritize someone’s expectation of easy conversation over our need for support?
I use spiral notebooks for handwritten, first-name-only group rolls, as well as pertinent observations, thoughts, questions, etc.
Could I start a conversation with a barber or neighbor about “fear parenting,” a concept from group that is written on the open page in front of me?
We estranged parents know that the likely answer is no. Or is it? We’ll get back to that in a moment.
From other pages:
“The barometer of our worth”
“I’m starting to know the me from before.”
“You aren’t the problem. The problem is the problem.”
“Realistic hope”
“The rule violation effect”
“The fulcrum generation”
“Cruel, hopeful thinking”
“Nobody gets away unscathed.”
I suppose there are many TMI conversation subjects, and estrangement can be one of them. A competent conversationalist knows better than to blindside a barber or neighbor with this topic, right?
Maybe the answer isn’t “no” after all.
Let’s not overlook something important: In the US, estimates of the percentage of families affected by estrangement start at about 25% on the low end, with some estimates going as high as 40%.
There does not appear to be a professional consensus about whether or not this phenomenon is a growing epidemic, though one thing is clear: Millions of us are acquainted with parent-child estrangement.
Mental and emotional issues were largely stigmatized when parents in the PLACE demographic were growing up. Holding the pain by suffering in noble silence often prevailed.
For the record, choosing to suffer in silence helps no one, instead making the problem worse.
So here’s an idea: Shine a little light.
Now, to be clear, how much to share or withhold is up to each person, period and full stop. This tangled mess of grief and trauma can simply be too much to talk about. Listen to your own intuition above all else in the moment.
But if you can make even a brief mention of it, a little more light is shone upon our community and cause. You could have a short, prepared go-to that you use either to answer a question or initiate a discussion. Maybe the other person cannot or will not engage much on the topic, so that discussion stalls. Still, if you are up to it, can you help the truth come out of the shadows and into the light?
