One Moment
1982. I’m 14 years old, sitting in a lawn chair alone beside a Texas lake when I’m overcome with a feeling of oneness with a higher power. For all the times and places when my search for God has left me feeling utterly alone, that one moment changes me. 1995. I’m 27 years old, I have an […]
Handling Birthdays
In a recent group, we talked about the challenge of handling birthdays for our EC. It’s a tricky situation to navigate. A simple question of whether to send a gift or card becomes complicated by a number of variables: · Did the EC go completely no-contact? · Did they tell you not to contact them again? · […]
Reframe and Re-invent the Holidays
The holidays can be a challenging time for a variety of reasons. In counseling sessions, patients frequently present with concerns about how they can cope with difficult family dynamics, addiction, or any number of other issues. Television, movies, social media and more often portray the holidays as idyllic events that are all magic and no […]
A Hero to Catch You
I’m 7 years old, and I’m stuck in a tree. I’ve climbed up with no problem, but something about that drop from the lowest limb back to the ground has stopped me. It seems too far, and I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’ve done this before, yet here I am again. Fortunately, it’s not long […]
“Don’t Explain”
There’s a lyric in a Billie Holiday song that makes me think about coping with estrangement. The song is called “Don’t Explain,” and Holiday made no secret of the fact that it was about her ex-husband Jimmy Monroe’s infidelity. The lyric is: You know that I love you And what love endures As it’s written […]
CBT, A Useful Tool
One of the initial go-to sets of tools we use in counseling is called “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.” At its heart, it’s an easy-to-remember set of tools with rather useful variations. It goes something like this: First, an event happens. Say, a job layoff. CBT holds that what we’re trying to do is affect change in our responses to events that happen. Often in […]
Advice on Peer Support
Here’s a topic from the workbook. Some quick tips on asking for peer support, whether it be on the phone, in person, or via text, include: · When reaching out, lead with a generic “hello” or a “what’s up?” · Remember that the person you’re talking to might be having a good day. This is […]
The Bad Guy Mask
Sometimes we talk about trying to grasp our estrangement as a narrative, a story in which our EC concluded at some point that for whatever reason(s), they would cut off or severely limit contact. One might look at such a story as portraying the parent as the bad guy, the villain. And though we may […]
I Wish You Clarity
A friend of mine was vacationing in Greece many years ago with his then-girlfriend. We’ll call them John and Denise. John was a great guy. I met him when we worked together in the 1990s. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a friend whom I’ve found to be so much like me. They adored […]
For Christmas, Just Breathe.
Christmas might be hard. My advice? Breathe. So much of what we need to do to help ourselves starts right there. From panic attacks to physical pain to inconsolable sadness, focusing on breathing in that moment is a good first step. Maybe your emotional distress stops you in your tracks when you’re just trying to function, […]