Any model of grief, change, growth, progress, etc allows for setbacks. One minute we’re cruising along like we have no distress whatsoever, and the next we feel like we’re back at square one.
It’s been about 28 months since I last saw my daughter. It has been, far and away, the most difficult thing I’ve ever endured.
And I’ve endured a lot.
I’ve had the assistance of a good counselor, medication, PLACE groups, my dear wife Renee, good friends, and a wide variety of tools to help me. Make no mistake: PLACE helps me.
At this point it’s been several months since I’ve had any the depressive episodes I call “I can’t days” (ICDs). I function well, at least by all appearances. Lo and behold, I had one today. And it’s not as random as it might sound. It started yesterday, clearly triggered by an estrangement nightmare I’d had the night before. I have medicine to address this, and I’d failed to take it.
Well, it happened again last night, and I had taken the medicine. Everything inside me responded to the second consecutive nightmare by wanting to just … check out. Dissociate.
Several months ago when I had a couple of ICDs, I spent a couple of days in bed. As the months drifted by after that, I wondered if those days were over. They were not.
This time, though I was moving slowly, I had a talk with myself about growing via this adversity. I kept appointments, and was a good counselor. I do so love this work.
And then it happened: A client scheduled for this afternoon is also an estranged parent, with her own resultant distress. As soon as session started, I could feel the cloud lifting. She understands. I wasn’t so alone, nor was she. She felt comfortable saying things she can’t say anywhere else. We didn’t work any miracles together, but the process of helping her helped me. By the end of session, my ICD was over, and the rest of my day has been markedly different (ie, better) than this morning.
I don’t have the answers for what ails us. I know that what helps you or helps me on a given day might not be of much (if any) use to another person. But it’s a fundamental psychological principle that for humans, connection isn’t merely a luxury; it’s a necessity. And in times of distress, such as I had today, “I can’t” became “I can,” and I don’t think I can overstate just how grateful I am.
So if you’ve come to a PLACE group on a day when you felt down and perhaps wondered if you had anything to offer, please remember: The very fact that you got out of bed and joined other estranged parents to share support is invaluable. Thank you.
