By Brian Briscoe, LPC, LMFT
Founder of PLACE – Parents Living After Child Estrangement
There’s a moment many estranged parents describe to me—a moment when the silence has stretched too long, the hope is wearing thin, and they look in the mirror and ask:
“Who even am I anymore?”
Estrangement from your adult child doesn’t just wound the heart—it can erode the very foundation of your identity. Being a parent was never your only role, but it was likely one of your most important ones. When that role is rejected or taken away, the fallout touches every part of your self-concept.
And this is what many people don’t understand:
Estrangement doesn’t just sever a relationship. It fractures your sense of worth.
But I want you to know—it can be rebuilt.
This article is about just that: reclaiming your identity, restoring your value, and rebuilding the deep, unshakable sense that you matter.
Estrangement and the Collapse of Self-Worth
When a child chooses estrangement, the grief is immense—but layered beneath it is something even deeper: shame.
Many parents internalize the estrangement as a reflection of who they are:
- “If my child doesn’t want me, maybe I’m not lovable.”
- “I must have failed.”
- “I’m a bad parent, a bad person.”
These thoughts are common, but they’re also lies.
Estrangement is complicated. It’s the result of multiple factors—often a mix of generational trauma, misunderstandings, unmet expectations, emotional wounds, and sometimes mental health challenges on either side. It is not a reliable verdict on your worth.
Still, I understand how hard it is to separate your identity from your child’s rejection.
Let’s begin the work of reconnecting you… to you.
Step One: Naming the Damage
The first step in rebuilding self-worth is being honest about how deeply you’ve been hurt.
Estrangement may have left you:
- Questioning your value
- Avoiding social situations
- Over-apologizing in all relationships
- Feeling like you don’t deserve happiness
- Stuck in a loop of regret and self-blame
This isn’t about self-pity. It’s about acknowledging the impact of trauma so that you can begin to heal it.
As I often tell parents in our support groups:
“You don’t have to pretend this didn’t hurt you. In fact, healing starts when you admit that it did.”
Step Two: Reclaiming Your Identity Beyond Parenting
Parenting might have been your favorite role—but it was never your only one.
You are:
- A partner
- A friend
- A professional
- A creative person
- A learner
- A survivor
- A whole human being
After estrangement, it’s essential to reconnect with the other parts of your identity. What parts of you were set aside to prioritize your child? What passions, talents, or relationships have you neglected?
This is where something like Narrative Therapy can be powerful. It helps you re-author your story—not erasing your past, but expanding your view of who you are beyond this pain.
Step Three: Practicing Internal Validation
Self-worth often hinges on external validation. And as parents, we often looked to our children for some of that validation.
When they cut us off, we not only lose a relationship—we lose the familiar echoes of “You did a good job,” or “I appreciate you,” or even just “I love you.”
That’s why rebuilding self-worth means learning how to validate yourself. It sounds simple, but it’s hard work.
Start by practicing:
- Self-acknowledgment: “I showed up with love, even when it was hard.”
- Self-compassion: “Of course I’m hurting—this is painful.”
- Self-respect: “I still deserve kindness, connection, and peace.”
You don’t need permission to be proud of who you are. You just need practice.
This is something we actively work on in coaching and therapy sessions through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Motivational Interviewing, and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy.
Step Four: Separating Responsibility from Identity
Here’s a tough truth: Even if you did make mistakes as a parent, that doesn’t mean you deserve estrangement. And it certainly doesn’t mean you’ve forfeited your worth.
Being accountable for the past is noble. But attaching your entire identity to past decisions is destructive.
At PLACE, I help parents navigate this balance—between taking ownership and holding compassion for themselves.
A healthier belief looks like:
“I didn’t get everything right. I’m still worthy of love and belonging.”
Step Five: Redefining What “Healing” Means
Too often, parents think healing means reconciliation. While that’s a hopeful outcome, it’s not a guarantee. That’s why we must redefine healing as something internal and independent of your child’s choices.
Healing can mean:
- Laughing again without guilt
- Sleeping through the night without panic
- Engaging with life rather than shrinking from it
- Being proud of yourself, even if no one else sees it
- Setting boundaries that protect your peace
You may never get the apology, explanation, or closure you crave. But that doesn’t mean you can’t live a full and meaningful life.
Step Six: Surrounding Yourself with the Right Support
One of the most dangerous things estranged parents do is isolate. Shame tells you that no one else would understand—or worse, that you deserve this.
That’s not true.
There are thousands of parents walking this road. Some are just starting out. Some are years in. Some have reconciled. Some have made peace with the silence.
When you connect with people who get it—through peer support groups or coaching—you realize:
- You’re not the only one.
- You’re not a failure.
- You’re not alone.
And sometimes, just that connection can start to restore your sense of self-worth.
Practical Ways to Rebuild Your Self-Worth Today
If you’re wondering how to start, try one or more of these:
✅ Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of someone who loves you unconditionally.
✅ List 10 things you’ve done right in the last month (even small ones).
✅ Schedule time each week for something that lights you up creatively, spiritually, or socially.
✅ Speak kindly to yourself, especially when the inner critic is loud.
✅ Read stories of other parents who’ve survived estrangement—like those in our testimonials or blog.
✅ Consider therapy with someone who specializes in estrangement trauma. (Let’s talk.)
Final Thoughts: You Are More Than This Pain
Estrangement hurts—deeply. But it doesn’t define you. It doesn’t diminish your dignity, erase your past, or invalidate your love.
You may feel broken, but you are not beyond repair.
Your self-worth is still there. It may be buried under years of guilt, grief, and rejection—but it’s there. And with time, attention, and support, you can uncover it.
If you’re ready to begin that journey, I’d be honored to walk alongside you.
Explore my book, P.L.A.C.E., join a support group, or reach out directly. Let’s rebuild, together.
