By Brian Briscoe, LPC, LMFT
Founder of PLACE – Parents Living After Child Estrangement
Grief is grief.
But when your child walks away—cuts off contact, ignores your messages, or says they never want to speak again—the grief hits differently.
You’re not just mourning a relationship.
You’re grieving someone who’s still alive, someone who once called you “Mom” or “Dad,” someone whose voice is etched into your memories… but who now lives in silence.
At PLACE, I sit with parents who feel like they’re going crazy in this particular kind of pain. I want you to know:
You are not alone.
You are not crazy.
And your grief is valid—even when the world doesn’t recognize it.
In this article, we’ll walk through the stages of grief in child estrangement, how they show up uniquely in estranged parents, and what healing can actually look like over time.
Understanding Estrangement Grief
Grief from estrangement is often a form of ambiguous loss—a kind of loss without clear resolution. Unlike death, there is no funeral. Unlike divorce, there are no papers. It’s a rupture without ritual.
This creates a complex and often cyclical grieving process. While everyone’s journey is unique, most parents move through some version of the following stages:
1. Shock and Denial
When estrangement begins—whether suddenly or gradually—it can feel surreal.
You may say things like:
- “This can’t be happening.”
- “She just needs space.”
- “He’s going through a phase.”
Shock is a natural defense mechanism. Your brain is trying to protect you from the emotional blow. But this can also keep you from fully acknowledging what’s happening.
What helps:
- Let yourself feel the numbness or disbelief—it’s temporary.
- Don’t pressure yourself to understand everything right away.
- Consider journaling to process the initial rupture.
2. Pain and Guilt
As the reality sinks in, the emotional pain often intensifies. This is where guilt tends to surface. Parents replay conversations, obsess over decisions, and question their entire history.
You might think:
- “What did I do wrong?”
- “I failed them.”
- “If I had just handled that differently…”
This stage is incredibly painful, especially for empathetic parents who already tend to carry emotional responsibility for others.
What helps:
- Speak with a licensed therapist who understands estrangement dynamics.
- Avoid spiraling into shame—there’s a difference between reflection and self-punishment.
- Consider Narrative Therapy to reframe the story you tell yourself.
3. Anger and Resentment
Eventually, the pain gives way to anger. And here’s the truth: anger is healthy.
You may feel angry at your child. At yourself. At a spouse. At the culture that promotes estrangement as a form of self-care without nuance.
You might say:
- “How could they just walk away?”
- “I gave them everything.”
- “Why does no one care about what I’m going through?”
This stage is important because it reconnects you with your boundaries and identity.
What helps:
- Give yourself permission to feel anger without shame.
- Practice safe emotional expression (writing, talking, movement).
- Consider DBT techniques to manage intense emotions without becoming reactive.
4. Bargaining
Bargaining often shows up as mental negotiations:
- “If I send a gift, maybe she’ll respond.”
- “If I apologize again, maybe he’ll talk to me.”
- “Maybe if I change, I can fix this.”
You may find yourself tiptoeing, over-apologizing, or bending over backwards in hopes of reconciliation.
While empathy and openness can be helpful, abandoning your own integrity in the process often leads to resentment.
What helps:
- Reflect on your values: What’s negotiable and what’s not?
- Practice assertive communication.
- Consider working with an estranged parent coach to identify healthy engagement strategies.
5. Depression and Withdrawal
This is the heaviest stage. The full weight of the loss begins to settle in. You may feel hopeless, numb, fatigued, or emotionally disconnected.
You might think:
- “What’s the point anymore?”
- “I’ll never be okay again.”
- “Everyone else has their family—why not me?”
This stage can also mirror trauma symptoms, especially if the estrangement involved betrayal, emotional abuse, or identity rupture.
What helps:
- Reach out. Join a support group where others truly understand.
- Talk with a therapist about somatic processing to move trauma out of your body.
- Remember: this stage is not permanent. Depression is part of grief, not the whole picture.
6. Acceptance (and Peace)
This isn’t the kind of acceptance where everything is fixed. It’s the kind where you stop fighting reality—and start living again.
You accept that your child may not change. That you can’t undo the past. That you may never fully understand.
But you also realize:
You can still live.
You can still love.
You can still be whole.
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up hope. It means anchoring yourself in your own identity—so that your peace no longer depends on someone else’s choices.
What helps:
- Reclaim your joy in small, meaningful ways.
- Reconnect with parts of yourself that got lost in parenting or grief.
- Create new rituals, relationships, and routines that center you.
Is This a Linear Process?
Nope.
Grief is not a straight line—it’s a loop, a spiral, a wave. You might feel acceptance on Tuesday, then crash into guilt on Wednesday. That’s normal.
At PLACE, we hold space for that ebb and flow. We don’t expect perfection. We honor the mess. And we support the slow, sacred work of becoming whole again.
You Are Not Alone
Maybe no one prepared you for this version of parenthood. For this version of grief. For the silence that says, “You’re not part of my life anymore.”
But you are still here.
You are still worthy.
And you still matter.
If you’re looking for a safe space to process the grief of estrangement—whether you’re in shock, stuck in guilt, or ready for peace—I’m here.
📘 Explore our book for parents navigating estrangement
🤝 Join a support group
📞 Schedule a private consult
📩 Reach out directly
We may not get closure, but we can still find healing. Together.
Related Reading:
- Coping with Child Estrangement: A Guide for Hurting Parents
- Grief from Child Estrangement: Support and Healing
- Therapy for Estranged Parents: Healing After the Silence
- Loss Without Closure: What to Do When There’s No Goodbye
