I don’t know that there’s a prevailing message in the work I do as a counselor; we work to meet the needs of the patient, and as a generalist, I have a caseload that can present with what seem like countless variations of distress.
Since PLACE started, though, many people have shared their frustration and distress over being unheard. That is, they’ve often been cut off from their children during a parting volley of grievances. Last summer, I asked a PLACE group of 27 how many had any idea pre-estrangement that interpersonal problems jeopardized the parent-child relationship. One hand went up.
It wasn’t mine.
We can get stuck at times in that mental conversation, making our case to the estranged child. I’m going to do something now that isn’t common for a counselor: I’m going to make an absolute statement.
Every parent who has ever spoken in a PLACE group says they made mistakes.
My hand definitely goes up on this topic.
In the “On Point” interview, I mentioned that we estranged parents end up behind a figurative wall. See, even as parents willing to listen, collaborate with the child through counseling, grow spiritually, address our shortcomings, seek peer guidance and more, the truth of our experience is not uttered to the person who needs to hear it most: the child. That door remains closed.
Sometimes we hear second or third-hand what the child’s narrative is, and that can be frustrating. Do we have similar-yet-misunderstood versions of the events? Is there exaggeration? Fabrication?
Many parents report in group or in individual counseling that initially, they see the child’s departure as proof enough that the culpability lies within their parenting. It’s the sort of sacrifice that some parents feel is part of the fabric of raising children.
However, when there’s been time to regulate emotions and examine the circumstances, such instantaneous acquiescence doesn’t hold up. In my field, we sometimes say, “There’s no THERE there.” Even parents who presumptively assumed their own guilt often can’t pinpoint the catalyst(s) that led to estrangement. Bewildered, they slowly accept that their parenting mistakes were likely typical ones, falling far short of the threshold for abuse, trauma, etc. They realize that they have a case to be made, and no one to make it to, save for sympathetic supporters. All they are left with is the truth.
So among the prevailing messages that have emerged during my work in PLACE, one of the most crucial is this: Take comfort in the truth, especially since it has this uncanny knack for revealing itself over time.
