I’ve been doing my due diligence lately, dedicating more time to reading the research on parent-child estrangement.
I’ve not encountered anything concluding that what’s behind this is your fault or mine, at least not categorically. That is, the studies do not say that the catalyst behind this is an abuse epidemic, a systemic breakdown in parenting competence, rampant denial, an exponential increase in narcissistic personality disorder, or any of the other common social media criticisms.
For example, this study out of the University of Lincoln-Nebraska investigated 898 parents’ and adult children’s reasons for estrangement.
Three primary categories emerged: estrangement resulted from intrafamily, interfamily, or intrapersonal issues. Within each category, the frequency of parents’ and children’s reasons for estrangement differed significantly from each other. Parents reported that their primary reason for becoming estranged stemmed from their children’s objectionable relationships or sense of entitlement, whereas adult children most frequently attributed their estrangement to their parents’ toxic behavior or feeling unsupported and unaccepted. Parents also reported that they were unsure of the reason for their estrangement significantly more often than did children.
If you’ve spent any time perusing estrangement-related social media accounts, you have surely seen comments from estranged children that make assumptions contradictory to much of the above excerpt, especially the final sentence.
I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. My job is to address a problem, whether it be heroin addiction, anger, depression, panic attacks, or most any other emotional or behavioral issue that could present in session. We go towards the difficult truth, not away from it.
If any of the previously-mentioned assumptions about estrangement were empirically proven to be the problem, that is precisely where this counselor’s compass would point. Yes, all those things occur, and they are part of this work. But despite common assumptions and accusations, analysis of this issue says again and again that this is a multifaceted problem that therefore necessitates multifaceted interventions.
