There’s been discussion in meetings lately about belongings left behind by estranged adult children, as well as other tangible reminders such as our photographs. Some departing EACs use absolute language such as “never speak to me again,” while others appear to be keeping the door slightly open.
In either case, figuring out what to do with those items is both practical and emotional in nature.
Are these still their belongings, or have they relinquished ownership by virtue of their departure?
Do I, the parent, wish to hold onto the items? Painful connections are connections nonetheless.
Those items are often triggers, reminders of our history with the EAC. In my estrangement work, I often use a graphic I call the bullseye chart.
We use the center of the bullseye chart to illustrate our closest connections at a given time. While we are raising our children, they are typically in the center with us, as they are some of our closest connections.
The child’s emergence into adulthood typically removes them from the center of the bullseye chart, as their awaiting independence allows them to create their own social and familial connections. At that point, many an empty nester parent treasures those items, grateful to retain tangible connections to their fledglings.
Let’s take, say, a high school letter jacket for example. The ways in which it might remind the parent of the child are multifaceted. Where did the child go to high school? What did they letter in? How proud were they to earn the jacket? Does it retain the child’s essence via scent or visible wear? The jacket isn’t inherently imbued with meaning, but opportunity to see meaning within it is abundant.
What happens to that meaning when the departure is the result of family discord? Our emotional response to a letter jacket is, therefore, dependent in no small part on external factors, such as culture, family history, etc. If the child departed the center of our bullseye chart under peaceful, expected circumstances, the jacket is a welcome reminder. If the departure was due to estrangement, it is a much more complicated reminder. In a counseling setting, an understandable objective might be to work on detaching what meaning we can from the jacket. It’s logical, pragmatic, and in many instances a necessary part of helping the estranged parent heal.
It’s also easier said than done, and in fact, ultimately may not be what the parent chooses to do.
