As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I see many types of distress, from depression and anxiety to addiction and relationship issues.
Often in session, we have conversations that boil down to the patient’s attachment to the desire for someone else to, well, do something.
“I want this person to…”
· Stop drinking
· Treat me better
· Communicate better
· Be more genuine
· Love me back
· Talk to me
It can put us at a difficult fork in the road, as we can only truly control ourselves. Can we influence that other person to change? Can we convince them to do what we know is best for them and for us?
At this particular fork in the road, we are effectively trying to figure out if we should move forward and focus on our own healing and growth, or if we attempt to affect change.
Can you?
The short answer is… maybe.
There are certainly techniques for trying to get someone else to change. A go-to set of tools these days is called Motivational Interviewing. It’s collaborative, it’s logical, and it’s widely used in the addiction field. Read more about it here.
Yet it guarantees absolutely nothing.
If you have any ongoing communication with your child, it certainly makes sense that you’d desire collaborative discussions that lead to positive change in the relationship.
If you have a child who has gone completely no-contact, however, your task at this point is likely to focus on yourself. Real change happens when someone is intrinsically motivated, and if you are completely cut off, that child is not showing any signs of being motivated to repair the relationship.
As tragic and difficult as that is, this leaves adapting to the changes in your life as your only option.
