In the last newsletter, we talked about how the existence of our social needs, as illustrated above in a Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs model, explains why so many of us benefit from peer support in difficult times. Whether it’s via a community such as PLACE, a place of worship, a friend group, or certainly even family, we have better outcomes when we turn to others for support.
Our discussion of the model in the last newsletter included physiological, safety, and love & belonging needs. We stopped at the last tier because it is the place in the model which made our point.
But our estrangement has other facets and effects on our lives that are actually addressed in the remaining two tiers:
ESTEEM
which covers a need for respect, status, self-esteem, recognition, freedom, and more. It’s certainly an area that gets a lot of attention in my private practice. Estrangement can have a wide variety of emotional and mental effects on a person, and if you’ve read this far, it’s likely not a surprise that it can negatively impact your self-esteem (as well as your perceived esteem in the eyes of others).
SELF-ACTUALIZATION
which basically means becoming all that you can be. Every bit of you that could sprout like some wonderful seed into the person you want to be is represented in this level. And bear in mind that meeting your needs within each level of the hierarchy is contingent upon having successfully met your needs in the level “beneath” it.
Can you envision continuing on your path towards self-actualization in the wake of the dramatic changes to your family system? Nothing about estrangement should be interpreted as denying that to you altogether. It’s true that your vision may have to be modified, but life does teach that things change, from big to small, and it is in your best interest to adapt and move forward.
Your intrinsic quality, your value, is not determined by the actions and opinions of your offspring.
“I used to have some little bad days, and I kept them in a little box. And one day, I threw them out into the yard. ‘Oh, it’s just a couple little innocent bad days.’ Well, we had a big rain. I don’t know what it was growing in but I think we used to put eggshells out there and coffee grounds, too. Don’t plant your bad days. They grow into weeks. The weeks grow into months. Before you know it you got yourself a bad year. Take it from me. Choke those little bad days. Choke ’em down to nothin’. They’re your days. Choke ’em!“
–Tom Waits
