“Toxic” is commonly used in the EAC community when addressing or talking about estranged parents. So, what does it mean?
*Spoiler alert*
It means almost nothing.
For starters, in spite of its popularity in Reddit estrangement forums and elsewhere among the pro-estrangement, it is not a clinical term. And though I have not memorized the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, I have read all 1,142 pages, and I’m almost positive the word doesn’t appear even once.
(The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, commonly referred to as the DSM-5, was written by the American Psychiatric Association, and is our primary diagnostic reference).
So now what? Well, like many people with medical questions, I turned to WebMd. Their article notes that “toxic” is not a mental disorder. Their attempt to explain it falls apart via their “warning signs for a toxic person,” however. Here is that list, with commentary via yours truly:
“You feel like you’re being manipulated.” Right out of the gate, we step into vague territory, with a criterion no more concrete than something like, say, “you feel like you’re being watched.”
“You’re constantly confused by the person’s behavior.” How many people you know have confused you? If you raised a child, toddler behavior may have been confusing. And the use of “constantly” is the first appearance on the list of an absolute, a descriptor that therapists avoid.
“You feel like you deserve an apology that never comes.” “Deserve” is a word that conveys entitlement, which itself is noteworthy to a mental health professional. Also note the use of “never,” another pesky absolute.
“You always have to defend yourself to this person.” This one starts with an absolute and makes no attempt to explain the criterion. Is there some relationship in which 100% of interactions are comprised of attacks and defense? This also speaks to defensiveness itself, another checkmark a mental health professional is likely to process with a patient.
“You never feel fully comfortable around them.” This is the last absolute on the list, though this criterion is problematic beyond that word. Being uncomfortable around someone can arguably have endless explanations, many of which are intrinsic to the uncomfortable person.
“You feel bad about yourself in their presence.” In session with a therapist, if a patient reports feeling bad about themselves, many possible explanations will be explored. Even if this feeling correlates with interactions with a particular person, the therapist may initiate self-esteem work with the patient.
So after all that, where are we with the word “toxic” anyway? Nowhere.
If we go to the more widely-used meaning of “toxic,” poisonous, that’s also problematic when applied to human behavior. If a case is being made that your behavior is metaphorically poisonous, how are we to understand if the only person who feels you are is an EAC? That is a specific and highly unlikely type of poison.
I don’t say all this to give every EP their behavioral “get out of jail free” card. There are unpleasant, vicious, mean and otherwise negative parents. There are also equally negative EAC. I simply say this to examine a problematic yet popular epithet that is used as if it is mental health parlance.
It is not.
