In a recent group, we talked about the challenge of handling birthdays for our EC. It’s a tricky situation to navigate. A simple question of whether to send a gift or card becomes complicated by a number of variables:
· Did the EC go completely no-contact?
· Did they tell you not to contact them again?
· If they did, do you succumb to the temptation to send something anyway?
· Has the EC been unpredictable regarding their receptiveness to contact?
· Is this a grandchild’s birthday, and respecting the EC’s wishes means you have no part at all in celebrating?
Ultimately, what to do will be your decision. If the EC has expressed a desire for no contact at all, contradicting their wishes will be included with their other grievances against you, either real or imagined. You don’t win.
If they’ve been unclear, you might fear that gift-giving is viewed as a provocation that results in cessation of contact.
And while that concern is valid, they are probably waiting for an excuse or opportunity to do that anyway. It was going to happen, regardless. If your gift-giving contact was intended to be loving and peaceful, you’ve done nothing wrong. You, the parent or grandparent, were trying to do what you feel is right. Remember: Guilt is feeling badly about having done something wrong. If the EC shuts down contact as a result of your loving behavior, you should not feel guilty.
You are the focus here. You are probably trying to figure out how to cope. If you can’t do what tradition dictates and send a birthday gift, is there something else you can do that partially meets your emotional needs?
Some people buy gifts as a gesture of hope and set them aside for a possible reunion down the road. At the very least, you have “cleaned up your side of the street.” Some people write letters for similar purposes.
And if you choose to get a gift, or card, or to write a birthday letter for potential future delivery, I suggest that you put it out of sight. On the one hand, you’ve behaved as you feel is appropriate. On the other, while in this estrangement limbo, you run the risk of being triggered by seeing that item regularly. Put it in a place out of the way and be mindful and intentional about exposing yourself to it. In other words, be intentionally kind to yourself.
