Estrangement is certainly a topic within which we discuss these concepts. Forgiveness means letting go of resentment, anger, and hostility toward someone who treated you unfairly, even though you are justified in having these feelings.
Who do you need to forgive?
Are you able to?
What if you need to forgive yourself?
Look back at what got you here with empathy and loving kindness. Be accountable and responsible, but don’t allow yourself to get stuck in a guilt loop. That is, if you are able to forgive yourself, don’t stop it because you feel that you have a moral imperative to continue to suffer.
And while we’re taking a look at forgiveness, ask yourself: Do I need to make amends with anyone? Making amends simply means to correct a mistake that one has made. We often view personal accountability as an integral part of this process.
The business of making amends can remain incomplete when a child cuts off contact with parents and/or grandparents. And insisting that the EC meet with us or hear from us is going to create more problems. If they have made it clear that they want no contact, our attempts to communicate anyway, well-meaning though they may be, are likely to be construed as disrespectful. Furthermore, this is likely to be seen as additional justification for the estrangement.
This is where we can turn to “living amends.” This simply means using actions as well as words to live a life more in line with our morals, values, and boundaries.
What if we feel we’ve done very little or nothing for which to make amends? Make a point to take the high road. We’ve seen ECs be spiteful and mean. This is not the time for us to behave that way. Often those behaviors are foreign to us anyway, as we parents did not model them for the child. Instead, let us continue to conduct ourselves according to our morals and values. This will serve us well if an EC is fabricating or exaggerating, as people who witness our behavior will have the opportunity to form their own opinions regarding our character.
Your need to forgive someone is yours and no one else’s. Some of us end up at an emotional impasse if we’re trying to forgive someone who does not seek forgiveness, and is in fact disengaged. This presents an opportunity for self-reflection, and to ask yourself about the value and necessity of forgiveness. It can vary from person to person. And remember: No one can make you forgive another person.
