I wanted to take a moment and talk about a frequent topic in our group meetings: Boundaries.
A member sent me a good Washington Post writeup on how prevalent misuse of the word is. The story can be found here.
Boundaries are your personal policies regarding what you will do in a given situation. As you can imagine, boundaries can apply to a whole range of situations, from your health and wellbeing to social settings, traditions, and more.
The problem comes when someone such as an estranged child (EC) verbalizes that we, their parents and grandparents, have violated their boundaries. It can be part of the barrage of conflict and dispute some of us experience with our ECs.
Not to get bogged down in semantics, but given that our boundaries only govern ourselves, someone else cannot violate your boundaries. The very nature of the concept is self-guidance, not control over someone else.
An interesting occurrence is that many estranged parents and grandparents working to heal and grow find that their own boundaries become clearer and firmer. Some examples:
· I will not participate in a conversation in which I am called names, cursed at, etc
· I will no longer be emotionally abused to maintain what relationship I can with the child.
· My health, wellbeing, and priorities will come first, perhaps for the first time in my adult life.
· I will not lend validity to hateful speech and rumors by responding to them.
What sorts of boundaries have resulted from your estrangement?
