I Wish You Clarity
A friend of mine was vacationing in Greece many years ago with his then-girlfriend. We’ll call them John and Denise. John was a great guy. I met him when we worked together in the 1990s. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a friend whom I’ve found to be so much like me. They adored […]
For Christmas, Just Breathe.
Christmas might be hard. My advice? Breathe. So much of what we need to do to help ourselves starts right there. From panic attacks to physical pain to inconsolable sadness, focusing on breathing in that moment is a good first step. Maybe your emotional distress stops you in your tracks when you’re just trying to function, […]
Doesn’t My Child Want Me?
In addition to being a parent in the estrangement community, I’m a son who chose to end contact with a parent. I want to be diplomatic yet transparent about what led to that, and how it connects to the current situation. I find it hard to fathom now that well into my 30s, I maintained […]
Unheard
A patient came to session and insisted that he had an anger problem. I consider myself to be a practical counselor first and foremost, so at first I was puzzled. “You’re not violent, you don’t break things, you don’t curse, and the people around you often can’t even tell that you’re upset. Where’s this anger […]
“Lean on Me”
Did you know that Bill Withers, the writer and singer behind “Lean on Me,” retired from performing and recording many years before he passed? I’m grateful to have lived in an era with such amazing music. There’s a long list of things I live for, and anyone who knows me also knows that music is high on […]
Meanness
The last month has been an example of just what a blessing and a curse social media can be. I’ll get to that in a moment. The first fight I got into was in early elementary school. I spent my days like the other kids on my street, riding my bike, playing in the schoolyard, […]
Do Something Different
“Do Something Different” is the name of an old favorite song of mine. I can hear local polka stalwarts Brave Combo singing it even as I type this. If you’re living in any version of this changed family system we refer to as “estrangement,” you would be well within your rights to complain. Surely you do. I […]
Re-Writing Your Narrative
Narrative therapy gets discussed in our groups sometimes. My earliest attempts at understanding what had transpired included shifting my viewpoint: What story went through my child’s mind regarding our relationship? How was it different from mine? With that in mind, here is an excerpt from the PLACE workbook: All of this unplanned change can make […]
A Study in Estrangement
I’ve been doing my due diligence lately, dedicating more time to reading the research on parent-child estrangement. I’ve not encountered anything concluding that what’s behind this is your fault or mine, at least not categorically. That is, the studies do not say that the catalyst behind this is an abuse epidemic, a systemic breakdown in parenting competence, […]
An Activity for Connection
An activity for in case you’re reasonably hopeful about reuniting with your estranged child: Write down those passing things you’d have said or shared with them, such as songs you heard, a meal like you’ve shared, a funny moment, etc. I’d suggest keeping it in something physical, like a small box with notes in it, […]