Doing the Work
I have a hard question for you. Are you doing the work? You’re here, reading this, maybe participating in our Zoom meetings because you’ve been affected by estrangement and you want to feel better, right? There is a whole world of “interventions,” aka things to try to improve our mental/emotional wellbeing. Obviously, I’m a big […]
What Can You Do Today?
This change in our family system, often unexpected, has occurred, and here we remain. The changes can be subtle, or they can be across the board, with ripple effects in most every area of life. Some members speak about how they seem to be going through the motions day to day, doing what’s expected of […]
The Word Regret
I’ve been thinking a lot about the word regret lately. Who among us could say that when looking back at the entirety of their life so far they would have no regrets? Each instance, each moment in time is gone as quickly as it comes. We can see the narrative looking back, and if we’re […]
Identity
A recurring theme among those of us trying to cope and heal on this estrangement journey is identity. But let’s back up a bit. Perhaps you’ve heard the word “codependent” before. I have a bit of an uneasy relationship with the word myself, as it originated in self-help books in the 1980s. It’s not a diagnosis. […]
One Moment
1982. I’m 14 years old, sitting in a lawn chair alone beside a Texas lake when I’m overcome with a feeling of oneness with a higher power. For all the times and places when my search for God has left me feeling utterly alone, that one moment changes me. 1995. I’m 27 years old, I have an […]
Handling Birthdays
In a recent group, we talked about the challenge of handling birthdays for our EC. It’s a tricky situation to navigate. A simple question of whether to send a gift or card becomes complicated by a number of variables: · Did the EC go completely no-contact? · Did they tell you not to contact them again? · […]
A Hero to Catch You
I’m 7 years old, and I’m stuck in a tree. I’ve climbed up with no problem, but something about that drop from the lowest limb back to the ground has stopped me. It seems too far, and I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’ve done this before, yet here I am again. Fortunately, it’s not long […]
Reframe and Re-invent the Holidays
The holidays can be a challenging time for a variety of reasons. In counseling sessions, patients frequently present with concerns about how they can cope with difficult family dynamics, addiction, or any number of other issues. Television, movies, social media and more often portray the holidays as idyllic events that are all magic and no […]
“Don’t Explain”
There’s a lyric in a Billie Holiday song that makes me think about coping with estrangement. The song is called “Don’t Explain,” and Holiday made no secret of the fact that it was about her ex-husband Jimmy Monroe’s infidelity. The lyric is: You know that I love you And what love endures As it’s written […]
CBT, A Useful Tool
One of the initial go-to sets of tools we use in counseling is called “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.” At its heart, it’s an easy-to-remember set of tools with rather useful variations. It goes something like this: First, an event happens. Say, a job layoff. CBT holds that what we’re trying to do is affect change in our responses to events that happen. Often in […]