Our son got a D on an exam recently, and as you can imagine, it elicited a negative emotional response in him. He is in grad school, studying to be a counselor. It’s a joy to talk shop with him, and I’m convinced he could probably pass the National Counselor Exam already.
He’s a dedicated, engaged student, so it came as quite a shock to him when the test score came back. I was making a meal as he sat at the bar, processing it with me.
He felt he’d prepared adequately, had issues with the administration of the test, yet understood that a poor grade just… happens sometimes.
The conversation took a number of twists and turns, though it kept ending up at the same place: There was nothing he could do about it now, and he was left to deal with some negative emotions.
And as he is prone to do, he stopped to reassure me: “Dad, I’m going to be OK. I’m going to feel this for a while, and then I’m going to move on.”
What he said resonated with me in a number of ways.
We’d be foolish to think that we can go through our lives without emotional distress. If someone in the estrangement community came to session or a group and reported having had no distress, I’d be concerned.
Long ago, a friend of mine referred to me as having “a mercurial personality.” I was known for brooding, ruminating, and generally watering the seeds of whatever negative emotion lay within me. Looking back, I recognize it for the self-sabotage it was.
Sometime in my 30s I started working on that. I saw some good counselors back in the day. Coming into this field expanded my tool set as well.
So what my son said was a good reminder that:
· We’re going to feel negative emotions sometimes
· They do end at some point
· We can, with work and intention, have some control over how long that unwelcome visitor stays
If you’re experiencing negative emotions, how are you responding? Are you giving them the keys to the city, so to speak? Are you meeting them head-on, determined to limit them?
The notion that we have complete control over our emotions is perhaps unrealistic. I suppose that somewhere on this planet are people with complete control over them. For the rest of us, we have decisions to make about what we’re going to do.
So on a difficult day, perhaps having been exposed to a reminder of ongoing estrangement, are you doing what you can? Are you using the tools you have? Are you adding new ones? Or are you complicit in the negative outcomes that come with unchecked emotional distress?
