When I travel next week, I’ll see my sibling and her family. I haven’t been down there since my father’s funeral just over two years ago.
I often tell people that my relationship with my sister might be like Paul McCartney’s with Ringo Starr. That is, only one other person on the planet can fully grasp what we have experienced, endured and survived together.
The trip is overdue, and I look forward to catching up. And I know that at some point, estrangement will come up. When we talk about it, she is puzzled about also having been cut off. Her children are about the same ages as mine, so for years the kids got along famously during family visits.
On both sides of our family, members have died since the estrangement began, and prior to their passing, we had no answers or reassurance when they asked. We certainly didn’t have answers at their funerals either.
Family with whom the children were close became collateral damage resulting from this familial schism. The family deserves better than this.
This message is for you. The real you. I don’t mean the version who creeps into your head when you should be doing things like concentrating, enjoying yourself, or sleeping. I don’t mean the vision you try to assemble when attempting to see yourself like your estranged children might.
If you’re in PLACE, if you’re reading this, I doubt you’re a monster, narcissist, etc. Such people don’t seek help. They don’t come to meetings week after week. They don’t fork over money to see therapists or get prescription antidepressants. They certainly don’t choose to tell a group of peers in meetings that they made parenting mistakes.
When you are in a PLACE meeting, connecting with other heartbroken parents, offering input and holding space, you are turning your personal tragedy into something good. Not only are you directly supporting people whose distress you fully understand, but you are creating collateral good. Your heart and empathy have the ripple effect of not only helping someone on your screen, but helping the people who love and care for them.
Sometimes we need to make amends. We don’t always get a chance to do so directly, but “living amends” (a concept borrowed from Alcoholics Anonymous) can be a chance to show your integrity, your heart, and to reinforce and remind yourself of who and what you really are. You get to be part of the collateral good.
