“Do Something Different” is the name of an old favorite song of mine. I can hear local polka stalwarts Brave Combo singing it even as I type this.
If you’re living in any version of this changed family system we refer to as “estrangement,” you would be well within your rights to complain. Surely you do. I do. We do it in PLACE sometimes.
As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I must say that if I knew someone was going through this and didn’t complain, I’d be concerned.
And you could clutch those complaints like heirloom family pearls, yours for the keeping even as everyone you encounter gets to hear about them.
This would be the place (ha ha) where I could put on my scientist hat, and take a stab at explaining the neuroplasticity of the brain, and how compulsive complaining reinforces itself until it becomes… stasis. That is, it effectively becomes part of your resting state.
But I bet you knew that already.
There is an emphasis on acceptance in, say, standard grief models or Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
Why? Because remaining in denial, howling to the skies about the wrongness of it all, and refusing to envision (let alone create) a post-estrangement life gets you nowhere.
Ask any alcoholic how well denial worked out for them.
Join me if you want in nitpicking the word “acceptance,” as I suppose some part of us may never accept estrangement. Adaptation is your path, traveler.
The counseling field avoids using terms like “always,” “never,” and other absolutes. I can say with some assurance, however, that if you choose to complain and make no attempt to adapt, you will never recover from the emotional blow of estrangement.
Do something different.
