In addition to being a parent in the estrangement community, I’m a son who chose to end contact with a parent. I want to be diplomatic yet transparent about what led to that, and how it connects to the current situation.
I find it hard to fathom now that well into my 30s, I maintained a relationship with a parent who raised children with abuse, neglect, domestic violence, criminal behavior, addiction, and squalor. The breaking point came when the then-most recent step-parent, on lifetime mandatory reporting for a crime, targeted my grandmother and committed the offense again. At that point, I had two young children of my own to protect. Grandmother moved out of the state, where she safely spent the remainder of her years. I explained my position briefly to my parent and ended contact. My children, who are now young adults, were subsequently raised in a safe and stable environment.
I was seeing a counselor in Dallas, and among the points she made in our sessions, this one stuck with me:
A child wants to have parents.
She said it as part of a discussion while validating and supporting my decision to end contact. Yes we want to have parents, and it took decades of chaos and danger for me to sever that connection. That point, which we innately know and grasp, underscored the risks and responsibilities I was weighing before making my decision.
Doesn’t my child want to have parents?
Doesn’t my child want me?
Sometimes the stark differences between that child’s upbringing and my own feel ironic and cruel. And I can admit that when I have moments of anger, the scattered pieces of what I understand about my child’s departure do not seem to justify what has occurred. Their upbringing, unlike mine, was not dangerous and unstable.
But let me take a moment to be accountable, and mindfully consider that this other human being, my child, has their own perspective, thoughts, and emotions. Something that escaped both the father and counselor in me contributed to the current state of our family system.
Any mistakes I made as a parent, either by omission or commission, were nothing like what was normalized in my childhood household. The hope I have regarding my family’s future is contingent upon connecting, owning, collaborating, learning, sharing, and making adjustments that help everyone involved. I await that opportunity.
