As uncomfortable as this may be for me to share, I stand by my policy of transparency with our PLACE community.
I struggled this week. From Monday to Wednesday, I had a depressive episode. Monday and Tuesday I got up, made myself work, and as soon as I had a break in the schedule went back to bed. I call those “I can’t” days. I had a similar episode in January of this year.
It’s uncomfortable to share because I’m the counselor. I help people with depression. When it happens to me, I’m taken aback, because a voice in my mind says this should not happen to me.
But it does. Every martial arts master has lost a bout. Every championship dynasty has come to an end at some point. Every incomparable genius has had to face a question they could not answer.
The trigger was the double whammy of Father’s Day and the end of my daughter’s college semester. It’s one thing to cope with estrangement when the child is far away; it’s another when they are 1.1 miles away for the summer. I found myself thinking, “Are we still doing this? Is this just the way it’s going to be?” The latter thought referred both to the actual estrangement and to the depression.
I have good tools, of course, and I use them. Just like many counselors, I first address my thoughts with cognitive behavioral therapy. The puzzle for me, this week, was that I was not actively ruminating. When thoughts like the ones above occurred, I addressed them. I could analyze them, replace them, reframe them, and basically do everything with them except make a quiche. So why the depressive state?
I have a theory: It’s subconscious.
Books such as My Stroke of Insight by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor and No Self, No Problem by Dr. Chris Niebauer taught me a lot about what is often called “fringe consciousness.” Basically, even as our brain’s left hemisphere is narrating our thoughts, connecting dots, and analyzing our conscious sensory input, our right hemisphere is also observing and analyzing. It’s where our intuition lies, our “I knew that answer” frustration when we get the exam back with a wrong answer.
I think that even with tools for countering Negative Automatic Thoughts (NATs), fringe consciousness is nevertheless functioning unchecked, influencing our emotions and behaviors.
Here’s what I did to pull myself out of it: I took my own medicine. That is, I did what I’d want a patient of mine to do.
- I rode my bicycle for the first time in 2 years.
- I worked outside, relocating a log pile.
- I solicited input from friends.
- I asked the PLACE group for help.
- I saw my counselor.
- I processed this with Renee.
- I practiced gratitude and positive self-talk.
- I cognitively reframed my situation
- I focused on avoiding negative input, be it via media or interpersonal communications.
- I kept working, as helping others helps me.
As my best friend Whit says, “it took all the kung fu I had.”
I started to pull out of it Wednesday afternoon, not coincidentally after receiving support via a PLACE meeting.
I thank everyone who attended for helping me. I don’t say that lightly.
Did I feel like doing all of those things? No. Doing those things was the opposite of what I felt like doing. But I had the gift of desperation on my side, and I got positive results.
I don’t think the world at large understands just what a feat of will it can be to go outside or face the day at all when depressed. If you’ve been down and took a similar approach to helping yourself, you are my hero.
I see you, I hear you, and I will keep this space in my heart for you.
