Periodically, I encounter misconceptions and assumptions about PLACE.
Mistaken PLACE assumption #1: We’re focused on reunification. No, we focus on coping. If you’re trying to reunite, we process that, though truth be told, better, dedicated resources for that are available elsewhere.
Conversely, it’s not uncommon for a parent in PLACE to gain a new perspective during the time apart from their children and conclude that what’s best is to close that door. Contrary to our identity as parents as it can feel, the distance can impart an objectivity that allows us clarity regarding our own wellbeing. Many a porous boundary has ended up clarified and reinforced as a result.
Mistaken PLACE assumption #2: We enable bad behavior. Absolutely not. We do try on ideas, as this is a safe space to do that. A person in distress will seek any number of solutions. If something is clearly a bad idea, it becomes apparent via discussion.
Mistaken PLACE assumption #3: We should teach parents what they did wrong. This premise starts with the assumption that our estrangement is the parent’s fault. For those of us who feel like something we did was the final straw, we already know what we did. For people who are uncertain or don’t know, a peer support group lacks essential information with which to “teach” someone. We only have that which is reported by one person out of two or more involved.
Mistaken PLACE assumption #4: We encourage denial. Is denial ever present in the heart and mind of a group member? Almost certainly. We’re all familiar with it. However, to suggest that we have an entire peer support program built on indulgence of myriad white lies and untruths told to ourselves doesn’t withstand fundamental scrutiny. In fact, the opposite occurs in group. We have people suffering so much that, lacking specifics, they desperately consider blanket apologies. Those discussions don’t typically go very far, as we soon realize that this approach, in fact, would be dishonest and disingenuous. Furthermore, one of the upsides of peer support is that it’s a safe space in which to say what is uncomfortable to say anywhere else.
We know how difficult it is to change someone’s mind. This is an emotionally charged issue and discussing it can lead people to become dysregulated. Take comfort in the truth and know that ours is a safe PLACE in which to find support.
