How do we respond when we are at our worst?
One evening in 2004, I bluffed my way out of a three-on-one fight in a parking lot. Afterwards, I called my best friend Whit, who runs a martial arts academy in Katy, Texas.
I told him what happened, and as soon as I took a breath he explained that this was one more in a long line of anger-related incidents. My foul-mouthed bluster was not, in fact, macho or respectable; it was shameful behavior for a grown man.
Whit insisted that I should learn to fight, as doing so reduces the likelihood of actually fighting. He was right.
I enrolled in a Krav Maga school, where I spent 4 years being humbled regularly. The training emphasized real-world scenarios and made clear that no one looks like Bruce Lee in a self-defense situation.
In that same year, three more incidents occurred that previously might have led to a fight. In each of them, I found myself thinking that I was in charge of myself, and that ending the problem quickly and safely (instead of looking tough) was the priority. Verbal de-escalation solved each issue. I doubt my heart rate accelerated much.
The school taught de-escalation, as well as skills you could use under duress. To that end, our belt tests were 3-4 hours of physical onslaught. Before awarding belts, they had to see what emerged from you when you were exhausted, dripping with sweat, unsure of what was next and possibly ready to quit.
What emerged from me was sufficient to get the job done, but still awkward at best. I passed each test.
It’s no secret that with stressors weighing upon us, we can become emotionally dysregulated. Struggling to cope, we may end up with maladaptive behaviors. We react instead of responding, and let me be the first to admit that such behaviors necessitate apologies after the fact.
Estrangement is a stress unlike any other. We are adrift in a sea of ambiguous grief. In desperation, sometimes we compromise our values and boundaries; we attempt to justify a desired end with questionable means.
But you, the real you, can make a point to pause, regain your composure, and be in charge of yourself. What adaptive/good tools do you have? What shortcomings in your approach need an honest perspective and improvement? If you decide to improve how you respond to problems, even with estrangement weighing on your heart and mind, there is no end to the good you can create within.
“If a lotus is to grow, it needs to be rooted in the mud. Compassion is born from understanding suffering.” Thich Nhat Hanh, No Mud, No Lotus.
