It is ok to feel what you feel.
In my field, we say that your emotions are not wrong. Sure, cognitive behavioral therapy places great emphasis on analyzing and correcting negative automatic thoughts (NATs). CBT does not, however, say that your emotional experience is wrong per se.
As estranged parents and grandparents, we know that a range of emotions can occur at any given time. Our grief is ambiguous, and as such, closure is hard to achieve. The point is, on any given day, our emotions can feel as raw as they did on day one. We work to heal and recover, but any psychological model of change allows for setbacks and such.
One recurring emotion can be anger, and people sometimes respond to this topic like some old west gunslinger has walked through the saloon doors: Uh oh… HE’S here.
PLACE does allow for anger. We would be doing everyone, including ourselves, a disservice if we attempted to forbid anger. The notion of disallowing it does not withstand fundamental scrutiny. If we said, “Welcome to PLACE, where it’s ok to be sad, anxious, confused, numb, etc, but anger is not allowed,” we’d be imposing a construct that would likely exclude people.
(You can even be joyful, but that’s a topic for another day.)
The topic of anger puts us at a fork in the road: Are you going to be destructive and malicious, reacting while dysregulated for everyone to see? You don’t need me to tell you that nothing good awaits down that particular fork. But down that other fork is anger-driven change, motivation, and clarification of boundaries. If we look at anger in the context of, say, a domestic abuse situation, it can cause the situation to go from “I can’t change anything about this” to “I am changing this because I can’t live like this anymore.” Anger can motivate one to get locks changed, bags packed, papers filed, etc. Anger can snap an estranged parent out of their torpor, casting new light on not only the reality of the situation, but the opportunity we now have for personal growth. Some of us find clarity that makes us realize we’ve relegated ourselves to lesser status than those around us, including our children.
Our angry or otherwise distressed thoughts are like clothes we try on: In our difficult moments, as we struggle for something to respond to, relieve, or resolve what we’re experiencing, we might briefly try on a whole wardrobe worth of ugly thoughts. We might even have moments of schadenfreude. In PLACE, we understand this. Sure, there’s a line past which we’d suggest a person take time to compose themself. But if you’ve been thrust into parent-child estrangement and not had moments of ugly thoughts, you have greater control over your inner workings than I.
PLACE is an honest, transparent setting in which you get to say how you feel. To attempt to run a peer support group otherwise would be disingenuous.
