I’ve been thinking about the similarities between boundaries and values. As you EPs probably know, “boundaries” is a word that’s not only overused, but frequently used incorrectly. Your boundaries are your personal policies about how you will conduct yourself. There is often an interpersonal aspect.
Our boundaries are not rules for other people. If I said, “My boundary doesn’t allow you to yell at me,” that’s incorrect and useless. You can have a boundary that you don’t participate in communication that includes yelling, but saying so doesn’t prevent the other person from yelling.
Boundaries fall into three categories: rigid, porous, and healthy/flexible. We think we’re being virtuous and strong when we proceed with rigid boundaries, but life is an ever-changing and evolving set of events. Rigidity does us a disservice since it does not accommodate unforeseen or unique circumstances.
Porous boundaries aren’t effective. If you have a history of people pleasing, perhaps you know what you want and think is right, but it quickly goes by the wayside in deference to other people. This is effectively de-prioritizing yourself, and that opens you up to myriad problems.
Flexible boundaries give the best results. You know what you want and what is best for you, but you allow yourself to make adjustments or exceptions. You’ve maintained your integrity and values, though also remained realistic with well-considered exceptions.
Values are your guiding principles, and you would do well to give them some thought for the sake of preparation and clarity. Do you value financial security? Honesty? Family?
An issue regarding a rigid value came up in session recently: A family struggling to deal with an addict parent has some members thinking of what’s best for them individually, and some thinking that keeping the family intact trumps all else.
I believe that there are circumstances that would cause us to examine many of our values. What if this addict parent was instead found to be guilty of a long line of violent crimes? There is likely a line beyond with a value simply cannot remain intact and continue to benefit anyone.
In your estrangement scenario, what role are your boundaries and values playing? Some parents value the sanctity of keeping a family intact so rigidly that they attempt to rectify this problem, estrangement, with blanket apologies and unconditional acquiescence. Like porous boundaries, this opens you up to myriad problems.
And of course, your own boundaries deserve your time and attention. If you have a boundary that, say, you don’t participate in rude interactions with strangers, is a rude interaction with your EAC an exception?
I can’t answer questions about your values for you. Have you tried? If you have a history of people pleasing, you may need to practice assertive communication techniques to enforce your boundaries. Please remember that in addition to the importance of family, and perhaps in spite of the broad outpouring of grace necessary to parent, you are also important individually.
