We discussed the word DENIAL in a recent meeting.
Some ECs assume that we are denying our part in the circumstances leading to the estrangement. Are we? Does a person reading this feel that they are 100% without error or blame? I doubt it.
However, with the same analytical approach, can we in good faith assert that we are solely to blame? Current research paints a clear picture that the catalysts behind estrangement are wide-ranging. The Department of Human Development and Family Studies at Iowa State University published a study in 2015 focusing on how various differences in mother-child norms and values often contribute to estrangement. For all of the possible scenarios, nothing in this study of 2,013 mother–adult child dyads showed any pattern of discernible reasons to simply blame the mother.
Oh, and the word “boundary” does not appear in the study even once.
So to shake off all of the analytical talk for a moment, look at it this way: Even when just looking at differing values between mother and child, nothing in this study concluded that there tended to be some singular parent oversight or misjudgment to blame for mother-child estrangement. The conclusion effectively said that it’s complicated and can vary widely from family to family.
One more interesting conclusion from the study: Behavior one might describe as “anti-social” on the part of the child, such as going to prison or jail, did not tend to dissuade the mother from her intent to maintain the relationship.
And that’s just one well-done study examining estrangement from the particular perspective of family values. You can read the study here.
I’ll wrap up by posing a question to you from a PLACE Zoom meeting: Is there any other big change you’ve experienced in your life that can solely be explained as having one cause? I doubt it.
