Narrative therapy gets discussed in our groups sometimes. My earliest attempts at understanding what had transpired included shifting my viewpoint: What story went through my child’s mind regarding our relationship? How was it different from mine?
With that in mind, here is an excerpt from the PLACE workbook:
All of this unplanned change can make us question who we are. If we’ve spent years, even decades feeling that we’re good parents only to wind up having a child remove themself, do we still identify as the same good parents? Or do we find a veil of denial has lifted, and now that they are gone we have no choice but to take an honest look at our mistakes?
This self-image can be viewed as part of our own narrative about identity. If you found yourself in an elevator with a friend you hadn’t seen since high school and they asked what you’ve been up to for all these years, what is the narrative you’d share with them between the closing and the opening of the doors? Does this estrangement change the elevator narrative?
Framing this new family situation as a narrative can be helpful in trying to understand how we got here. No, we may never get a useful explanation or any answers at all. But as we attempt to grasp what has happened, keep in mind that the child has their own narrative about themselves, about you, and about the relationship between the two of you. Everyone is the hero in their own story, as the saying goes.
Won’t you give some thought to re-writing your narrative? Sometimes we hold on to parts that we should perhaps let rest. Consider even adding in some grace, to anyone and everyone you’re inclined to, but especially to yourself.
