Sometimes what we need in order to cope at any given moment may surprise us. For your consideration, I recommend building a support system that can help as you learn to live after child estrangement.
Part of an adaptive response to estrangement is to seek the help and support of others. Maybe you have a great counselor who can give you practical advice when you’re struggling. Or perhaps you have a best friend who can listen to you and hold space in their heart for those moments you simply need to be heard.
Sometimes we struggle to put aside our pride and ask for help. In your most difficult moments, are you able to pick up the phone and reach out? You do yourself no favors if you think the best thing you can do when things are hard is to just be “strong” and isolate yourself instead. Inherent in this approach is the assumption that struggling is a weakness.
Struggling in a difficult situation such as parent-child estrangement is normal. Your friends, family, or counselor would likely be far more concerned if your reaction to such a situation did not include any moments of struggle.
But what does support look like for you?
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A quick anecdote about support systems:
Many years ago when I was still an intern, a friend approached me and asked for help. We were both mindful of the fact that, ethically, I cannot be a counselor to someone I already know personally, as that creates a dual relationship. But they said they were desperate, as their best friend had just committed suicide. I was facing one of the most serious scenarios a counselor can face. Furthermore, it came with parameters, as they said:
“Don’t send me to a counselor, don’t give me counseling stuff, and don’t give me workbooks. I just need to know that life is worth living.”
“Read Cannery Row by John Steinbeck,” I told them.
If you’ve not read it, Cannery Row is a delightful and whimsical book by the man who wrote The Grapes of Wrath and Of Mice and Men. It is not considered to be equal to his landmark works, of course, but it has a particular emotional niche.
My friend agreed to read the book, and after we spoke, I thought of one of my professors in grad school advising us that if a patient comes in who is not clinical, be “not clinical” with them. Still, I wondered what I had done. Would the message be received the same?
A couple of weeks later, my friend reported back that the book had been exactly the right fit, and that it delivered exactly the right message: Life is worth living. Furthermore, in the years since, my friend reminds me that the book has become a recurring part of their personal reading list.
I cannot say specifically how it occurred to me to bring it up at that moment, but when I need to be reminded that life is worth living, I read that book.
Is there a book that you read when you need that reminder and support? Or perhaps you have a song you listen to, a movie you watch, or a friend you confide in. These coping resources are part of our support system.
And we have a special support system here at PLACE with our peer support groups.
