Letting go of what we cannot control is a crucial part of coping.
Whether your particular framework for moral guidance is Christianity, Buddhism, Taoism, Stoicism, or countless more religions and philosophies, there is an emphasis on understanding what you can control and what you cannot.
If you choose to fret about something outside of your control, that comes with a predictable negative emotional outcome.
Even in AA meetings, they tend to close with an excerpt from what’s commonly called the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
–Reinhold Niebuhr
This can certainly be easier said than done. The distress we feel as a result of estrangement is not easily dismissed, that’s for sure. We examine and re-examine the circumstances, looking for that solution, looking for the magic words or the change in behavior that would have prevented this.
And that’s a normal, perfectly understandable response.
The problem comes when we indulge in the desire to do this without making any effort to limit how much time we spend on it. Our brains have this marvelous ability to adapt called “neuroplasticity.” And when we obsess over a situation that we cannot control, our brains fall in line by adjusting to this habit. Before long, we’re in a neurochemical and thought “rut” that becomes quite difficult to get out of.
Give yourself permission to step out from under the weight of what you cannot control. If the most successful version of doing this means all you can do is reduce how much time you dwell upon it, ok, that’s a good starting point.
What will your starting point be this week to let go of what you cannot control?
I’m deeply grateful to each and every one of you. We don’t have solutions. I certainly don’t. But we can support each other as we attempt to cope and heal, and that is a blessing I do not take lightly.
